When the Table is Turned - Adoption Style

Back when my husband and I were starting our family, he told me that he thought we should adopt. I was taken by  surprise by such a lovely thought coming from my new husband. It wasn't because I didn't think he was capable of it, it was just that it had never come up before. In all of our pre-wedding and post-wedding conversations of our future, adoption had never been mentioned. The conversation of children came up as well as how many we would like came up (3 btw was the number we both liked), but HOW those children would enter our lives never came up. I assumed I would get pregnant and deliver them. He wanted to give a parent-less child a chance.
We were married a whole 2 weeks when my husband asked "So when are we going to start having kids?". I was shocked by his enthusiasm to "get cookin' " and probably reacted like a child hating ogre. "What do you mean?" I blurted out. "We've only been married 2 weeks!" The look on his face was shock. I immediate felt bad, calmed myself and then explained my reaction. "I wanted to be married for a while, just the two of us. Once we start having kids, it will never be just the two of us. Besides, I want to finish getting my black belt (in karate). I know that will never happen once I have kids." Surprisingly, that last "selfish" comment was the one that seemed to sway him. He agreed, waited patiently for several months, and drove with me to Ohio for my black belt test.

In my mind, I knew that once I got that black belt, I needed to keep my end of the deal. I was also now ready to start our family. I watched the calendar for prime ovulation windows and told my husband "Well, if you want to start having kids, today would be a good day to start trying." I imagined I would be swept off of my feet, but instead my husband said "I think we should adopt." What? Did I just hear correctly? "Really?" I asked. He explained how he felt and I was completely on board with adoption. However, I also felt the desire to try and have at least one biological child too. We agreed that baby #1 would be biological and then we would re-visit the conversation for babies #2 and #3. 

When it was time for baby #2, I had already been researching adoption. I had looked into the process, the length of time it could take, and the costs involved in the process of adoption. I shared all of the information with my husband and we agreed that baby #2 would be biological. We wanted a second child sooner rather than later to grow up with baby #1 (they are only 19 months apart). We knew that adoption can take several years and a lot of money, that we just didn't have.

Baby #2 arrived and I continued to look into adoption. I also looked into becoming Foster Parents. I contacted someone at Catholic Charities and started the process. I met with the representative, filled out forms, got reference letters and signed us up for a required orientation class. Two days before the class, my husband told me that he couldn't go because he had to help his dad move. I was disappointed to say the least. This was the first point where he would have to be involved, and he didn't seem to be on board. 

I asked if he thought we should have a biological baby #3. He was completely against it saying "Pregnancy is just too hard on you." It was a sweet comment. He was right. I didn't think he had noticed those last two 9 month spans. He seemed done and content with the two beautiful babies we already had.

Enter mommy guilt. Of course I was happy with the two beautiful babies we already had. But in the back of my mind, we were always going to have 3 children. I thought that perhaps the miscarriage I had prior to baby #1 was the 3rd child that I was feeling was missing. How could I want another child when I was so fortunate to have two healthy, beautiful and good boys already? As my boys grew, I grew to love having two. One at each hand, one on each knee, one on either side of me as bookends on the couch. Yes, two was the perfect number for us, for our family. Our family was complete.  I was sure of it.

Fast forward ten years to last weekend. My husband and I were sitting by the fire pit in our back yard. We were talking about nothing in particular when suddenly he says to me "What do you think about adopting a little girl? I mean, not a baby, like maybe 6 years old or so. I was upstairs and I saw that spare bedroom just sitting there, doing nothing. I know we don't really have any money, but maybe we can give a kid a chance." What? Did I just hear correctly? (Again) I looked at him for a second to make sure he wasn't kidding then I said "I started the process a long time ago. I filled out paperwork. I got reference letters. And you shut me down." He nodded and said "I know. And well, I'm not going to change. I'm still going to go out on my motorcycle and you're still going to be doing everything." I smiled and said "I know." Then we looked back at the fire pit and that was the end of the conversation.

I couldn't stop thinking about it the next day. Since then I've had dreams that I was pregnant, and then wasn't. I had a dream that I had an extra child that wasn't a boy. And, as I told my friend "You don't tell someone who loves puppies, that they can get another puppy." 

For now we are taking it slow. As my husband pointed out, we are barely supporting our family now, so due to financial reasons we can't move forward. However, I am hopeful that our financial situation will improve and one day you will be reading my blogs about the adoption process!

=J

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew By Eldridge, Sherrie (Google Affiliate Ad) 

Adopting in America By Hicks, Randall (Google Affiliate Ad) 

You Can Adopt By Caughman, Susan/ Motley, Isolde (Google Affiliate Ad)

Happy Adoption Day! By McCutcheon, John/ Paschkis, Julie (ILT) (Google Affiliate Ad) 

Adoption Is for Always By Girard, Linda Walvoord/ Friedman, Judith (ILT) (Google Affiliate Ad)

The Adopted Room By Michaelis, Antonia (Google Affiliate Ad)

Adoption Healing By Soll, Joseph M./ Buterbaugh, Karen Wilson 
(Google Affiliate Ad)

Being Adopted By Brodzinsky, David M./ Schechter, Marshall D./ Henig, Robin Marantz (Google Affiliate Ad)

Real Parents, Real Children ; Parenting the Adopted Child By Van Gulden, Holly (Google Affiliate Ad)

Adoption Nation By Pertman, Adam (Google Affiliate Ad)

Monday Vent - Candy for Lunch

It was a Sunday, and after church, I had a meeting to attend.  My husband was going to run to the hardware store and then take our boys out to lunch.  Sounded like a good plan to me.  I arrived home a few hours later to be pounced on by my boys who were "starving".  When I asked my husband what had happened, he explained that at the hardware store the boys saw some candy that they wanted.  So, he gave them the choice of getting candy or going out to lunch.  Guess which one they chose?  That would have been fine if he also gave them some REAL food also.  When I questioned him further he replied, "what do you want from me, they wanted the candy!"  This goes back to other blogs we have written when seemingly normal, intelligent, independently functioning men do really STUPID things and then wonder why we're irritated.

S-)

Now it's your turn. Can you relate?

Candy image borrowed from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Candy_in_Damascus.jpg

Monday Vent - Parenting Skills

Spending time with extended family who have questionable parenting skills is painful.  Watching the impact these poor skills are having on my beloved nieces and nephews is painfully frustrating. 

1.       When your child has a difficult time transitioning and you tell them it is time to leave, you need to leave.  You don’t just sit there for 35 minutes saying, “get your shoes, it’s time to go” while your child alternates between screaming “no” and ignoring you. 

2.       When your child, who is not potty trained although they are well past the appropriate age, refuses to have their diaper changed, that is not the time for bargaining, bribing, and cajoling.  That is the time for decisive action to complete the task with minimal fuss.  You do not necessarily need their permission.

3.       When your child hits their cousin, you should not say in a sickly sweet voice, “oh sweetie, don’t hit, that’s not nice”.  It’s called a time out.

4.       When your child says “no” to you,  that is not the time to get a “deer in the headlights” look on your face and back down.  You need to understand that you are the adult and that you need to teach your child.  You are not doing them any favors by letting them become spoiled rotten children who believe everyone should comply with their wishes.

5.       When 6 adults in a family have finally agreed on a restaurant, the complaints of a 12 year old should not change the decision, regardless of her pouting prowess.

6.       When a child refuses to eat anything but potato chips, the chips should be removed.

I have a lot more, but I think the vent is over for now.   To be continued…

S -)

Your turn! Can you relate? Share your vent. You'll feel better... really!

Mommy, why do chains and whips excite her?

 

“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but chains and whips excite me” That’s what I get for giving contemporary music a listen with my 5 & 7 year old. I typically listen to Christian music. I know that may sound dorky, but I really like it and it is good music. It is also refreshing to have the radio on and not have to be concerned about what my child will hear. “Mommy, why do chains and whips excite her?” “I think because they’re shiny, hey, look at that airplane!!” What happened to the dance music of the 80s and 90s that you could belt out without offending anyone? Yes, I know my mother raised her eyebrows at Madonna’s “Like a Virgin”. Oh, wait a minute, that doesn’t exactly support my case. Well, fine, I guess it has always been a bad influence on young minds. My line is apparently drawn at S&M and I must be getting old and crabby. On second thought, it did have a nice beat to it. 

S-)

Image borrowed from: BludOgre at http://photobucket.com/images/whips and chains/

Saturday With The Girls

While reading “OhThe Places You’ll Go” by Dr. Seuss, he sagely explains that even though you’ll be surrounded by people, you’ll still be alone quite a lot. We are, after all, completely alone in our experience of this life. This feeling of isolation in our heads can exist even in the midst of families, BFFs of middle and high school, college roommates, marriage, and, of course, parenthood. All these lives and spirits are so physically close yet altogether separated.

On of the best things I have ever done that combatted this sense of “aloneness” was to commit to my friends on Saturday mornings. When we started this weekly get-together, we were almost tentative as we told our husbands. We even felt the need to justify this time by combining it with exercise (ie. walking, in-line skating). After a few weeks, my friend’s husband asked, with some trepidation, “Is this going to be every Saturday?” She responded an unequivocal “yes”. Neither one of us thought they would accept this. It was too luxurious, too selfish, too much of a special event to happen on a weekly basis. Yet, we risked their disagreement, and it has become a weekly ritual. We have continued meeting through new babies, soccer season, financial upheavals, moving, etc. What we’ve gained from these friendships is an understanding that we’re not alone. Spending time together and deepening our relationships have really opened up the floodgates of sharing all of our lives with each other. There is no topic that can’t be broached. There is no judgement, except when necessary to get us on the right track.

Some topics of conversation come up repeatedly. We need to number them to be able to refer to the details more efficiently. Frustrating in-laws, moody husbands, children’s behaviors, and financial management are the most commonly occurring. We often think that so many women are just putting on a happy face even though they are frustrated and at the end of their ropes. Not that we believe you should go through life complaining and negative, but that we, as women should be real and sincere with each other. We love our husbands, our children, and our families, but they drive us crazy. The support we receive from our friends will help us maintain our perspective and our priorities. Life is so short, we can lighten each other’s loads just by sharing our daily struggles. We can’t always offer solutions, but listening and being reassured that we are not the only ones going through a particular trial can help us to smile and continue moving forward. For this, we need to turn to our girlfriends.

S-)